Let’s get this out of the way up front: I’m picky about my porn. Combining both the snobbery of my non-kink life as a performer with the additional snobbery of my reasonable photoshop skills means that nothing can wilt my boner faster than a cheesy video performance or a very poorly photoshopped porno pic.
Allow me to offer an example:
What's going on here?!?
This photo actually makes my eyes hurt a little bit. What the hell is going on here exactly? Let’s dissect why this hot concept is ruined by not-hot photoshopping.
• Granted, the concept is kinky. Who doesn’t get off on forced workout scenes? (I know I certainly do!) But it’s not really a stretch to imagine this scenario. In fact, I’m fairly certain that there are REAL photographs of scenes like this floating around. Maybe not specifically with a whip, but definitely with the cop and the hapless push-up slave.
• Light sources! The most common problem with bad photoshopping is nailing down the light sources. Are we to believe that the push-up guy is casting a shadow to his left on the floor, but Officer Whippy does not? Is he a ghost? If so, then there is an even more perverse undercurrent to this kink.
NSFW pics and more after the jump…
• There are so many things wrong with Office Whippy I don’t know where to start. The whip… what dimension does it exist in? It’s scaled really weird, oddly added to his hand as an afterthought, and a whip in motion would never hang in space like that. NEVER. Trust me. If you’re going to go to the trouble of putting together a scene like this, wouldn’t you opt for a more flattering angle on Officer Whippy? Is he winding up for another lash of that magically stiffened whip, or is he about to let out a hearty belch? It looks like the latter to me.
• Leg irons with a cannonball weight? Is this a jail in 1910? Chris, the WildCuddler himself noted to me that he actually likes the chains, proving that it’s a taste issue. And actually, I don’t dislike the chains. I dislike the incredibly sloppy way they were added and the way the cuffs appear to exist in a different universe than the wrists and ankles they’re restraining. Like he could hop out of them and walk away if he got tired of working for officer Whippy. Consistency, people!
Sure, the guy is hot. Workboots, jeans and no shirt is always a winning combination, particularly if you’re built like this guy. But he would be just as hot without all the distracting adornment and weirdly tinted “whip-rash” on his back. And can it be all that hard to find a non-photoshopped version of this scene? Just a cursory Google of “cop forced workout” yields numerous hits. But wait, it gets weirder.
Now what’s happening in this kinky photoshop disaster?
Schwing?
Did “Super-groupie Twink” jump out of the volcano only to give Wayne Campbell (disguised as a casual-day Superman, it would appear) a lollipop-style blowjob after slipping on that kryptonite cock ring?
This is a great example of too much blur processing and weird composite work mixed with an unfortunate fan-fiction concept. I’m no DC Comics historian, but I’m pretty sure Superman would not want a cock ring made out of kryptonite, and if he had one he certainly wouldn’t be able to maintain a superboner no matter how ardently that naked volcano twink went to work on it. Or is Wayne Campbell just Bizarro Superman? Superhero fetishists (and I know you’re out there), I’m calling in your assistance on this one.
I would be remiss to discuss badly photoshopped porn without bringing up muscle morphs. It’s no secret that the entire cast of characters here at Cuddling on the Wild Side are muscle pervs to one extent or another (myself notwithstanding). But it is a sad reality that for every good muscle morph out there, there are 1000 other guys who think they’re experts at photoshop and take a very recognizable photo of a bodybuilder, or worse yet a scrawny guy, and then do a notably sloppy job of blowing out the proportions in some of the unsexiest of ways. Bad muscle morphs abound, and if you have an incredible suspension of disbelief perhaps they work for you, but anything that looks like someone just tweaked a photo with a 12 year old copy of Kai’s Power Goo gives me a first class ticket to limp-town. The best muscle morphs should make you ask “Who is this muscle monster and why have I never heard of him before?” Of course, the point is that the guy should be surrealistically huge, but the quality of the morph should allow you to at least have to take a second look and not feature Salvador Dali-esque melted background items that make you wonder if this big fella left the microwave running with the door open.
I realize that even being critical of muscle morphs is dangerous territory, because different things turn people’s cranks in different ways. But as my pop always said: if something is worth doing, it’s worth doing right. So please be aware that I’m not judging you if you like your muscle morphs super cheesy, I’m just lobbying for a better quality of morph overall. Something like this:
The quality of the bigness is related to the bigness of the quality. (Thanks to GB Morphs)
Consider this an open letter to everyone out there who has manipulated photos for the pervy public: Please take the time to learn how to use that copy of Photoshop you ganked off the Pirate Bay. New Horizons offers classes and there are some very handy Lynda.com video tutorials on YouTube. Take the time to learn how to match skin tones, light sources and the realistic shading on prisoners, muscle beasts and superheroes who bear a striking resemblance to Mike Meyers. I thank you, and the fapping public will thank you, in their own “crusty sock under the bed” sort of way.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled carnival of kinky earthly delights.