Cuddling on the
Wild Side

A couple months ago I got a very sexy, but straight, personal trainer at the gym. He was a a very nice guy I had met a month earlier. Well, it was our second session at the gym and we were doing some squats that were deeper and more intense than I’d done before. We did one set of squats with not much weight, but about 12 reps, then we did another set after a 45 second rest. It was after the 3rd set that I was like, “hey, I need a bit longer after this set.”

I started to get nauseous, my heart was beating out of my chest, I was pouring sweat, and the collar on my shirt was too tight. Well, after a 10 minute break where I arranged myself in various positions, just trying to calm down and breathe, we moved on to the next exercise.

Over time he learned that I need longer breaks and fewer reps if he wants to keep me alive. That’s just me though, I know he trains other people differently.

Now, you’re probably wondering what does this have to do with kinky, raunchy, piggy sex… well, pretty much everything.

His previous client might not have had any trouble with the exercise I was doing, but I did. When playing, especially as the top/Dom, you have to remember that everyone is different, and will react to the things you do differently. Some people get harder the more you torture their nipples, others love to be tickled. The chemical and nervous system reactions in their body will differ between each person too – making some pleasurable and others torturous. Mmmm… torture…

There are a couple ways you can find out whats going to make things work the best:

• Talk to your play partner. Find out what type of experience they have and where they might have had problems in the past. That’s not to say you have to avoid that stuff, but you must be aware of it and tread more carefully there.
• When exploring your partner, especially if you don’t know your partner well, start slow and build up. In general this is a good idea to get all the endorphins going, and making the experience more pleasurable.
• As the bottom in a scene, let your top know if things are going well. If I hadn’t let my trainer know, I might have passed out during my next set dropping weights on me.
• As the top in a scene, make sure you regularly check in on your bottom especially if things are seeming different.

As with any play, communication is key. To me what makes a great Dom/top is that he is able to read the bottom/sub. If you aren’t a great “reader” or just aren’t sure, it’s totally alright to whisper “You doing alright boy?” It will hopefully help to increase the trust factor between you two also. As the bottom, you must feel comfortable telling your top how things are going. He may decide to push you further, but help him to make an informed decision.

Also, realize that mistakes do happen. Hopefully the top will do his best, but sometimes you don’t realize something is wrong until it’s too late. Use what happens after the mistake is made to inform your decision on whether to play again or not. Give the top a little forgiveness too, if appropriate.

It’s a new year. Does it really mean anything? No, but it is a good frame of reference. In this year, I challenge you to try something new. Something you’ve maybe been a little timid about trying. You never know, maybe you’ll like it.

Also, I know the past year has been difficult for a lot of people. Think about my mantra below, as I do each day.

Remember the past. Hope for the future. Live in the present.

If you’re an expert in profile surfing like I am, you’ve probably ran across the letters HWP. They stand for “height-weight proportionate”. Now don’t ask me what the fuck that actually means because if you take height and weight, it all comes out to a proportion. It’s funny too because the guys that are looking for HWP and describe themselves as HWP, are just “average” looking guys. I’m going to assume they actually mean that HWP is actually the Golden Ratio.

The Golden Ratio is the number 1.6180339887… or symbolized by Φ, but when applied effectively it’s supposed to be aesthetically pleasing. There are ways to bend the golden ratio to make most things fit it, just as people can find Jesus in potato chips. So maybe they mean you take height multiplied by the Golden Ratio, and you get their weight?

 

Let’s try it for a 6 ft (72 inches) man:

 

72 inches * 1.618 = 116.498 lbs.

I’m sorry, but if you’re 6ft tall and you weigh 116.5 lbs. You better fucking eat burgers with fries and wash it down with a glass of oil. I’m hoping they have a different way of calculating it.

My Golden Ratio for men comes out to actually be at least 2.75 (roughly). And this is not an exact science, nor does it mean that if you fall into this ratio, I will find you attractive. For me the Golden Ratio is actually a minimum.

 

So, for another 6 ft man:

 

72 inches * 2.75 = 198 lbs

That is much closer to my type of man, but that’s more of the minimum for me. It helps a lot when I’m looking at profiles. A guy may look decent in his pics, only because he’s only showing like 10% of his body, but that doesn’t mean he’s my type. I’ll look at his stats and he’ll be 6’2 and weigh 165 lbs. Once I see that, I move on to the next guy.

I’ve found this ratio is pretty accurate for me when I don’t have many pictures especially. There are exceptions, but when I’m super horny and not thinking clearly… it can help me from doing someone I’ll quickly regret.

Frequently someone will approach me who has only done a little bondage or something just a little kinky. They’ll see one of my ads and want to try the things listed in them, and my list is usually pretty long. I had this happen just a couple days ago.

I’ll start out by asking them a couple questions:

• What do you have experience with?
• What do you really want to try?
• What would you rather not try?
• What’s your fantasy scene?

With those I can generally get a pretty good idea of where to go and what follow-up question I want to ask. One very important thing to understand is that the words they use, may not mean the same thing as what you understand it to be. I always try to clarify everything.

This guy told me he had done some bondage and enjoyed being spanked in the past. Does that mean he’ll enjoy paddling? Possibly, but that’s something you’re going to want to carefully explore with him.

I also listed out some of my favorites, to see how he would react to them. With newbies especially, unless you have true requirement of what you need to get off, try to leave things very open and don’t make it sound demanding.

Once we got all the details figured out and I’d run through what we’d likely do in my head, I just verified a couple things about what would happen (not everything though, need a couple surprises), and how things would begin. This is all just to make sure they know what will happen and to calm some of their worries.

When he arrives, make sure you are comfortable and confident. It’s going to help put him at ease. I also like to take control and start things right away to get them in the right mindset and take away the chance for them to get worried or afraid.

When I message guys on hookup sites one of the first questions I ask is “Do you like to get kinky?” Recently I’ve been getting guys that respond with “I don’t do unsafe” or “I’m partying and only get kinky when I’m partying.”

Now what is it about being kinky that causes people to think that I want to be unsafe or PNP (Party And Play – use drugs on have sex). In my profiles, it says “Safe Only” and “No PNP”. I realize some guys don’t read that, but it feels more like they are associating kinky sex with PNP or unsafe sex.

It really does seem like there is a general understanding even within the BDSM/kink community that unsafe sex is common and almost expected. I don’t have a big problem with two informed and consenting adults making a decision to have unsafe sex, but when it’s thought to be expected and common place; I find that unacceptable.

Please play smart whether you play safe or not, and realize that the best way to play kinky is to play smart and safe.

Also, check out this amazing pamphlet – Safer BDSM Booklet July 2009 by the AIDS Committee of Toronto.

I don’t promote products I haven’t used or have very good knowledge of. I got a couple FleshJacks about a month ago, and I absolutely love them. About my only gripe is that they get this stickiness to them after you clean them. You can throw it in a bag of corn starch to take away the tack, but that’s too much work.

Everyone I know has pretty much said the same thing about them.

We all know it, the economy sucks. Now I don’t get into political stuff, or really too much that isn’t kink, sexual or relationship orient often, but when something like a recession impacts your ability to buy sex toys or find a trick, that is a problem.

Looking for a job?
Don’t put the fact you are looking for a specific type of job in your Manhunt or Craigslist ad and go to meet a guy you aren’t interested in about this proposed job. Especially if he uses the words “house boy” (unless that’s your thing). Trust me on this one, I got screwed out of some valuable time.
Do mention it after a good hook-up especially if you know the guy is in a related field. Or you could try putting it on the back of your trick card (it’s like a business card for sex).

If you need a little extra cash?
Don’t tell people you’ll do anything for just a little extra money. People have some twisted fantasies and unless you’re really into it. You don’t want to be a part of it. Ask yourself, “Do I look good in panties with shit dripping out of my mouth?”
Do put yourself out on escort sites or look into a career in porn. This is good for guys that have no shame and aren’t planning a career in politics. Ask people in the industry for advice before getting into these things.

Want to save a little bit of cash?
Don’t re-use condoms. It just doesn’t work no matter how much you try to wash it.
Do make your trick bring their own condoms. Tell them it’s going to be a wild session, so bring a lot. Then snatch them and the lube while you let them “clean-up” in your cold shower because you don’t have hot water.

Trying to find a trick on the cheap?
Don’t wait in the lobby of a mental institution for the first guy you think that you could take advantage of. There are laws against stuff like that, and it’s just wrong.
Do stand outside the bathhouse and ask guys if they will cover your fee for getting in. Expect that you’ll have to service this person in some way.

Tired of looking for a job?
Don’t put an ad out for a Sugar Daddy unless you are planning to lower your standards. Think about the worst guy you’ve slept with then add 20 yrs and lower your standards below him. Nope, lower still. And just a couple more notches lower. Then imagine that’s the best you’ll get.
Do try offering sexual favors to people in exchange for services. Try your landlord, banker, auto-mechanic, etc.

This past weekend, I went to Minneapolis for Pride and to visit my family. I spent 24 yrs there, it’s where I came out, so it’s nice to get back there and see my friends. It didn’t hurt that it was 30F cooler than Texas either. Twin Cities Pride weekend is the 3rd largest in the US and the parade alone attracts about 125,000 people.

If you’re reading this expecting some wild, kinky, hot stories… you’re not going to find any from this trip. Sorry.

I spent much of the weekend at one of my favorite bars, the Minneapolis Eagle. There were a lot more guys wearing leather than I had remembered, so that was very cool. On Saturday night, I managed to make out with and manhandle about 4 different guys in the bar. The problem was all of them were staying with friend, and I was with my parents. I like things wild and kinky, but I still like a bed and things like that. So, I didn’t get any action over the weekend.

At the Pride Festival I was a little disappointed there was only one leather-related booth and that was the local leather club, the Atons. In past years there were some leather stores, but nothing this year. I’m guessing they were impacted by the recession.

The main kink-related excitement actually happened in the airport on the way back to Texas. When I do trips like this, I fit everything into my carry-on. Apparently there is a screw in my flogger that looked a little suspicious when going through the x-ray machine. So they did a check through my bag and a secondary scan of my flogger.

When she first pulled out my flogger, she was like “what’s this?”

I told her it was a flogger. She then asked “Is this for Renaissance festival type stuff?”

I just said yes because I figured the fewer questions the better. While my flogger was going through the x-ray by itself (and being waved all around the security checkpoint area), she continued to look through my sex bag. She pulled out my bag of nipple toys and looked at them for about 2 minutes. I really wonder what was going through her mind. She briefly pulled the paddle out, and the hand mitts. She also looked in the pouch where I have all my condoms and lubes stored. She didn’t ask any more questions really.

I just sat there and smiled. I actually found it all pretty amusing, although I would have been pretty disappointed if I lost my flogger. I got it back and packed everything up and went on my way.

It’s always best if you can pack your sex/BDSM toys when flying, but if you can’t remember they may decide to take it. Avoid things like rope, cuffs, clubs/extra-large dildos, etc.

Overall, it was a great trip and tons of fun.

There’s some danger in everything we do from walking across the street to eating breakfast. There’s also some things that are much more dangerous than others such as being a test pilot versus having a desk job.

This is just the same when having sex. There can be very “traditional” vanilla sex to wild and kinky sex using knives and blood everywhere. It’s just a matter of knowing what you’re doing and how to do things safely and sanely, but just like walking across the street – no amount of planning can account for freak occurrences.

The facts aren’t entirely clear, but recently David Carradine, star in Kill Bill and other films died from what appears to be auto-erotic asphyxiation. You could probably take the words apart and figure out what it means, but essentially it’s cutting of your own airflow to enhance an orgasm. I put this in the Fringe Fetish category because it’s one of the more rare fetishes, but it not quite as rare as a balloon fetish (at least I don’t think it is). Auto-erotic asphyxiation is something you’d definitely want to be extremely careful with if you ever try. I would even highly recommend having someone with medical experience in the room just in case.

No one wants to talk about erotic asphyxiation, auto (self-induced) or otherwise. It’s generally thought of as the kind of sex you have if you want to die. Or get damn close to it. But people do it: estimates in the US put the death rate for erotic asphyxia at upwards of 1000 people a year. According to the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company, around 250 of its policyholders die from sexual asphyxia each year.

It’s a sexual practice that ranges from what practitioners call “breath play” to full on “RACK”, an acronym for Risk Aware Consensual Kink. I guess it’s named such hoping that the people doing it are aware of all the risks they’re taking, and even though they’re gonna do it anyway, are making a choice that involves consent. Consent is the ability to choose the experience that is appropriate for you, the individual, the ability to understand what you are consenting to, and the power to say no. The opposite of shame — like hiding it from your lover, wife, husband or seriously tolerant kink-aware community who know that you’re aware of the risks and want to do it anyway, and who want you to stay alive even if they don’t support the sexual activity you’re into. [source]

I don’t truly like the idea of RACK because it’s nearly impossible to know all the risks that could be involved with many of these things. Also, most things could fall into a RACK category from nip play to whipping. Part of why I do my blog is to educate as much as possible on what SOME of the risks involved are. It’s impossible for me know present all of them, but a lot of times you just have to use the not so common, common sense.

It’s kind of like a game of Russian Roulette. Your chances of living are pretty good if there is only one bullet, but that doesn’t mean you’ll live. Different kink activities put different amounts of bullets in the revolver for a kinky game of Russian Roulette. Please, in whatever you do, even just going over to a guy’s house for a hook-up, be careful and take as many precautions as you can. You can never predict everything that MAY happen, but you can try and make everything as safe as possible. You also have to be consistent in the precautions you take. It’s likely that time you’re just a little lazy that something will go wrong. If you can’t put forth your whole effort, don’t put forth any.